Monday, January 25, 2010

Lost Time

Weight: 241.2

I'm mixed on that number. On the one hand, some part of me keeps saying "That's good! You're down 3.3 pounds from when you started!" But, I was 240.7 on Saturday, and 240.9 on Sunday, so I'm not crazy about the reverse progress of the past two days. I just need to keep reminding myself that 3.3. pounds would be insanely good for a normal week, and that I should stop thinking about it in terms of a "first week back" thing.

One of the things I'm having a really hard time with at the moment is not kicking myself too much for missing as much time as I did. I've found myself looking, almost jealously but more with an anger at myself, at the progress my compatriots have made. Seeing so many posts and pictures I missed over the intervening weeks . . . it's just hard.

In about 10 weeks, I gained 9 pounds. To be fair, I don't think that's actually a fair accounting. Even though my absolute lowest weigh in was 235.5, my real weight was closer to 237 or 238. I've also been able to knock off the first 3 pounds of that 244.5 so quickly that it clearly wasn't all real weight. If I'm honest, in the 10 weeks I was away, I probably gained about 6 or so real honest to god pounds of fat.

What bugs me the most though isn't the reasonably small amount of weight I ended up gaining. It's all the weight I didn't lose while I was breaking. I probably could've lost about 15 pounds in that time. I'd be in the 220s, not morbid, and probably within spitting distance of the 210s. Instead I'm struggling to reenter the 230s, and facing a long road until I can drop the damnable morbid label.

However, all is not lost. As I was reading through archives trying to catch up with what had been going on with everyone, I stumbled upon this great piece of wisdom by S. at Ethereal Endeavor: "One thing my weight loss adventures have taught me is that just because I missed a day (or four) doesn't mean that I should throw in the towel."

A lost week (or 10) isn't great. But it's better than a lost year.

I'm not as far as I wanted to be right now, but I'm also a lot farther than I would've been if I hadn't undertaken this journey in the first place. 241.2 isn't fabulous, but it's a heck of a lot better than 278. The best, the only thing I can do right now is to keep on going and keep making progress. I'll get there eventually.

In other news, Erin of the XXL Files very kindly gave me an award on Friday!

Thank you Erin! I promise I'll consider playing by the rules and doing the award thing tomorrow. In the mean time, it was incredibly nice of you to hook me up with blog love after I'd been back such a short time. Thank you, thank you, thank you!


  1. dont stress you are right its better than a lost year
    we all go up and down during this journey but i think your doing fantastic
    i have faith you will get to were you feel comfortable again

    best of luck

  2. Congratulations on the award!! You deserve it! :) I think the most important thing to take from all of this is how honest you are being with yourself. The "head game" is the hardest part to get back, when you've been away from the healthy lifestyle. Isn't it amazing how easy those "unhealthy" thoughts can not only creep back in, but become the norm? Getting your head right, and it looks like you have, really is the hardest part of the battle. I think you need to take it easy on yourself, take it one day at a time, and don't over think the what the scale says. It's just a number after all! :) Maybe you can do what I've seen so many others on this journey do...get a pair of jeans in a smaller size and make fitting into them the main goal, and not so much what the scale says. Whatever you decide, just don't give up! We are all here to help you back up when you feel like you've fallen!! Have a great week!!!

  3. funny.. i just posted something similar.

    from someone who's been on this journey too often, i know what your beating yourself up about.

    your a smart cookie and you'll get the weight off just as fast as you were in the fall.

  4. Don't beat yourself up....

    Fall down 7 times, get up 8. :) Gratz on getting back up!!

  5. I know that it feels really tough but you can't continue beating yourself up for weight you could have lost. Ease up on yourself, woman! You are on the right track you will get there steadily.

  6. You will find that it is only destructive to think about the "could have" and "would have" beens. Focus on the moment and while it may be hard to think that way, it gets easier with time. I lost 107 lbs in about 18 months and over the 3 months have gained about 15 lbs back. In the last 3 months I have maintained at about the same weight.

    Am I a failure for gaining back 15 lbs?

    I don't think so. I choose to think about this as maintaining a 90 lb loss. Sure I want to get to my goal (about 25 lbs away) and in the long run I know I will get there. It doesn't matter how much time it takes!

  7. Congrats on the award!

    Sounds like we have a lot in commone. My start weight was the same, 278. I am living proof that it is possible to lose weight eating healthy and working out. This morning I weighed in at 158. :)

    And I think a key to my success so far has been not giving up when I slip up. I always say, "Its not about failing, its about learning."

    Keep up the great work.

  8. I totally know what you mean. I was at my lowest (in a long time) weight in 2008. Since then I have watched it go up, then down a little, then up more, then down a few and so on.
    I always wish I had just kept going in 2008, then I wouldn't be at the weight I am today (30lbs heavier).
    But then I also think - thank goodness I got back into the swing of things, if I hadn't who knows where I would be 6 months from now.

    I think we need to just focus on our achievements :)

    p.s. congrats on the award!

  9. Woulda, coulda, shoulda....

    Don't fret over lost time or missed opportunties. Grab hold of the here and now and just keep pushing yourself a little further, a little harder. You can do this...

  10. I've had gains the past two weeks and just this morning I was thinking along those exact same lines, how much I might have lost if I hadn't binged, etc., which then started me down the oh-so-useful path of, "Look at how many months I only lost 5 pounds during the whole month (compared to my preferred 10+). How much would I have lost if I just wasn't such a lazy horrible weight loss slacker?" But then I slapped myself (mentally at least) and reminded myself how useless that is. I mean, I don't sit around imagining how rich I might be if I had never wasted my money on anything ever in my life. Or how my life would have been different if I could have just stuck to the Slimfast plan when I was 14. Or what graduate program I could have gotten into if I had just studied a bit more for the GRE. Etc., etc., etc...

    Okay, maybe I'm drifting a bit. :-) The point is, life is life, right? Nothing is ever perfect and it's so so hard to live up to the ideal of anything and that's where the learning comes in. Or at least that's what I'm hoping and telling myself to make myself feel better. :-)

  11. hiya, The Kitteh's mentioned you in their post and I saw that you had updated recently and thought I would check out your post. The first step is always the hardest but you've done it. onwards and downwards. good luck and i look forward to reading about your successess.


  12. Don't think about the past because you can't change it. Learn from it and move on. Think about the future- you CAN influence that!

  13. omg, sorry, you're... apparently i have TERRIBLE grammar and typing skills

  14. Glad you're back too! And congrats with the loss... don't worry that you were a different number over the past couple days... it's probably just water weight for today's weigh-in.

    I bet the number will be a solid lost next week too!

  15. What you didn't say in this post is that there's no other place you'd rather be right now than moving forward versus standing still and stagnant.

    The past can't be changed now, but the future can and you're moving in the right direction. Congrats on your award. It's go good to have you back!

  16. It's hard to resist the tendency to beat yourself up over lost time. I've had to work on that when I think of the years and years that I languished without making *any* progress on losing weight. But I eventually realized as you did, that dwelling on what can't be changed doesn't do any good.

    Stay strong and you will get where you want to be. I know I told you before, but I'm so glad you are back!

  17. Just move forward from now! There is absolutely nothing you can do about the past, so you should concentrate on all the amazing things you will do in the near future. Great things are coming, Hadley! Congrats on the award!

  18. It's not a race Hadley and isn't not about when you finish, just that you DO finish. And you will. I have missed you blogging!!!